What I want to do
and what I can do - the dangers of too much Yes
One thing that happens when people start noticing that you’re doing a cool thing is asking you to do other things that they think are cool. Apparently, my cool factor has shot up in the last year because I’m getting approached by many people with some neat things they think I’d be great for. It’s flattering!
I’m glad to see I’m hitting the mark or that people are starting to understand my potential and my execution better. As my sense of self has improved after years of personal healing and shadow work, I also recognize that burnout lives in too much yes.
I had some harsh lessons in my early days of becoming a practitioner. I learned to “forget” my tarot cards before attending parties, lest I become the unpaid entertainment. All too often, I ended up with so-called friends treating me as an employee that they were exploiting full corporate style. Notably, party invites stopped when I became so absent-minded about my cards - except for the one or two that valued my skill and me. It was one of many boundary-setting activities that showed me who my real friends were.
Another happened when I had so many clients that needed help, deep, high-risk help, none of whom could pay me or provide any energy exchange that I almost died. The order came down from the spirit that working for free had to stop now. I expected my consultancy business to die when I acted on that command.
Instead, it prompted friends to ask for ways to support me in exchange for the support I gave, and it has brought me some excellent, challenging, respectful clients. I realized that money was simply a metaphor people could understand. If I didn’t demand the respect that payment for service signifies, the world would erase me without apology, and it almost did.
I also understand that being required to put forth a pricing scale and stick to it created an important filter: by charging for my services, I placed a carefully constructed no to the people that valued spiritual services enough to ask for them but not enough to pay for them. In some cases, it caused a few people to go back and reflect on whether they carried expectations because of the religions they were raised in. In other cases, it caused a confrontation: do I believe in this stuff? If I don’t, why am I asking for this? And the one that really brought it home to a few people was the reality of spirit work that we often sidestep talking about: There is a genuine risk to this work, and some of what I pay for is to address the care needed as a result of the spiritual impact on the spirit worker.
I have devised a few ways to accommodate those genuinely needing help. When called by spirit, I am allowed to help a specific number of people per year for free. (Less than five.) Part of teaching in the way and communities that I am is to give people access to what I do in sessions that they might not otherwise afford - and to allow people a way to screen me to determine if I am the correct person. Community can’t exist in a vacuum, and while I am engaging in healthy gatekeeping, for me to service a community, I know I need a few ways for people to pass that gate while still offering mutual support. Right now, the ways I use work for my communities and me. But I am keeping an eye on when they don’t quite work and considering some backup methods.
I want to acknowledge that for femme people especially, too much yes also happens because we are far more likely to be pressured for our no. When we say we aren’t interested in a person we aren’t attracted to, it’s still normalized for a person to demand why. Even if we don’t have the time, we have to justify it with what we’re doing with that time rather than having it accepted and believed. I learned that responding with “What I can do…” in response to demands that can’t possibly be accommodated can offset some of that demand and entitlement. It also sets the stage for a firm no when your only fair response is, “What I can do is put my fundamental survival needs ahead of your project that is draining resources that are precious to me, especially the resource of rest and restoration.”
Charging for services is simply the most visible and impactful way to reduce my yes. If you also need to reduce your yes, there is another question to keep in mind: what nourishes you?
I learned this question from a friend and partner who always encourages me to deepen my exploration of the kink world. While their reflection on nourishment goes out to explorations and archetypes in that world, I found the question a really important one to carry into my spiritual world.
If I am going to pick up a yes, will it nourish me or strain me? Do I feel empowered and like I get an energy lift from doing this volunteer work, teaching that class, or spending this time with this person? I am a person that takes nourishment from going quiet. A day with many beverages and several good books feeds me in a way that hours of conversation do not. I found that going to Ecstatic Dance nourished me. Taking classes on Coursera nourished me. But maybe picking up that class in that nursing home didn’t.
And when it comes to nourishment, what is the thing in my life that I label as frivolous that is really a need?
Mine is art journaling. It takes forever; it’s messy, and I am highly unlikely to come up with any way of making something I can sell at Golden Apple. Yet it gives me energy. It means I have to step away from the constant production online and off that is setting up a metaphysical shop, writing, and producing videos - and it helps me to do them.
That video game you’re playing? Those paranormal romance novels? That fanfiction you’re writing and then arguing about in Reddit forums?
If it has a healthy place in your life, it’s important because it feeds you. It is important to say yes to that frivolous and sometimes no to that seemingly important thing to keep your energy balanced and flowing in the best direction for you.
I wrote this because it popped to mind today, and someone needed to know.
Stay Magickal Everyone!
Diana Rajchel
This week, we have a few events coming up. You’ll get an email about some new ONLINE instructors at Golden Apple - we will have Shetan Noir, a leading folklorist and cryptid expert, teaching her approach to the paranormal. We will also have Vanessa Redding on board to teach Dimensional Magick (like astral magick but without the hard part of astral projection.)
If you want to catch me, I’m teaching the ONLINE Empath Level 2: Shadow Work and Cultivation at Wicked Grounds. You can get your tickets here: https://forbiddentickets.com/events/wicked-grounds/2023-03-16-online-empath-training-level-2